Right now I'm in the middle of writing one of my essays and as I was writing, I stopped. Why? Well, I'll tell you now. I stopped writing because what I was writing was simply great. It was probably one of my bests works yet. And that's why I couldn't go on. It was too much. There's was too much of myself in that essay and if I rarely give myself away to my close friends and family, why would I for some stranger? Maybe that's why I can't keep this blog going...I know I'll leave for months and come back apologizing for being gone, but then leave once more. I started this blog as a sort of online journal and since I love writing, I thought it was a great idea, I just always forget what I'm afraid of. When you write something down, it becomes real. Like with these essays, they all want you to be personal, so that colleges find something in you that they don't see in anyone else, something that makes you different. I can't express myself in that way. To anyone. I don't know why. And I'm afraid I never will... And now I'm lying, not only to you, but to myself. I know exactly why or at least I think I do. Pride. I can't show vulnerability. Why would anyone want to? Why would anyone want to undress themselves in front of someone only to show them their scars and weaknesses? I have heard the saying before that "its better to feel pain than not to feel anything at all". I've felt both and I'm not lenient to either if I'm being real honest. I'm not saying I'm made out of stone either. I think the "people can't break your heart if they think you don't have one" thing is bizarre. I'm not a robot. I've hurt and I don't want to hurt again. It's as simple as that.
Told you, this is kind of like an online journal so if anyone does read or if nobody does, it doesn't matter. My life doesn't have to affect yours.